Marriage S.O.S.

By Carly Cooper

"Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something
you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your
partner every day."
-Barbara De Angelis

There's a lot of husband bashing going on. When it comes
to childcare and chores around the house, husbands are
often referred to as "lazy, incapable" and are accused
of "just not getting it." One of my friends even said
"Husbands! Are they really this dumb or do they just
pretend?" The countless stories seem so similar in
nature that I often wonder if we're all married to the same
man!

Let's explore this "infuriating" behaviour. Believe
it or not, our husbands aren't always to blame. Pull out
your compact and take a good, long look. It's time to
face the truth and realize that we are often responsible
for the type of husband we have.  Read on, because these 6
marriage tips might just be the help you've been
searching for.

When our husbands are on "child duty", we tend to
swoop in and save the day at the first sign of distress. 
And with good reason. We can do it faster, better and
smarter, right? Maybe so, but in the process, it enables our
husbands. We let them off the hook and then resent them
later. In their eyes, they can't ever seem to get it right
so why should they bother trying? 

Marriage Tip #1- Give up some of the control. Your husband
may have come from a family where his Dad didn't have
anything to do with childcare, so he didn't have a very
good role model. At least he's making an effort. If it
means he feeds your child/ren cheerios for dinner, or
takes the kids out while they're still dressed in their
pj's, so be it. Give him room to parent his way. It makes him
feel important and frees up time for you. Choose your
battles and stop nit picking.

Men aren't known for their mind reading skills. Half the
time you tell them what you want and they still don't
get it right. A lot of moms don't voice their concerns
because they don't want to add more pressure or burden on
their husbands. If you try and protect his feelings, you're
sacrificing your own. And in the end, you'll be bitter
and angry and he'll be no better off.

Marriage Tip #2- Communicate often. Be very clear about
your needs, wants and desires. Talk about what's working
and what needs to change. Give him the same chance to talk
about his feelings and what he needs. Listen to each other
and make a point to keep the lines of communication open.
Set aside time every week to check in and make sure that
all is good in your world.

There are a lot of moms who feel resentful because
they're struggling to do it all and still don't feel
like their husbands consider it hard work. Some moms think
their spouses have it easier because they get to leave the
house and get a break from the chaos. The truth is, both
jobs are challenging. Moms need to recognize that Dads
have a lot of pressure too. They work hard and are stressed
out just trying to provide a certain lifestyle for the
family. Most Dads today are also more hands on and involved
with their kids. Plus they still want to be good husbands.

Marriage Tip #3- Support each other. Stop competing for
who has the harder job. Realize that you're both
contributing in your own ways and are both vital to
providing a healthy home environment. Ask about his day and
listen without judgment or anger. If you feel like you're
not getting the support you need from him, let him know and
explain what he needs to start doing.

Motherhood is a thankless job. Babies thank you in the
form of a burp and if we don't constantly remind our
toddlers to say please and thank you, we'd never hear it.
Our hard work and dedication often goes unnoticed by our
husbands too. But when was the last time you thanked or
acknowledged your spouse for all that he does? He also needs
to feel validated and important.

Marriage Tip #4- Give thanks.  Make a point of
acknowledging all the effort that your husband is making.
The operative word is effort. Remember his way may not be
your way, but recognize that he's trying. Praise him
effectively like you would a child. So instead of just
saying "thanks", say "Thanks for giving Jack a bath
tonight. It gave me the few minutes I needed." Once he
feels like he's being acknowledged, he'll want to do
it more and start to recognize your efforts too. And if he
doesn't, let him know that's what you need to hear
every now and then.

You're tired, spread so thin you're almost transparent,
and all you want to do is get into your flannel pj's and
go to bed. ALONE! Understandable. But when this becomes
your routine day after day, those days turn into weeks,
then months and sometimes years.

Marriage Tip #5- Make your relationship a priority.
Schedule a date night at least once a month. Open a bottle
of wine after the kids are asleep and talk about your
days. Making time for each other is not only important for
you and your spouse, it's vital for your child/ren. It gives
them a healthy blueprint of what a solid relationship looks
like. Plus it's a lot easier to get through all the
challenges of parenthood when your marriage isn't one of
them.

We may think our spouse has really high expectations of
us, but often, it's just a projection of what we expect of
ourselves. Having unclear or unrealistic expectations adds
unnecessary pressure. We take on all sorts of roles
because we feel that's what makes us a "good mom" or a
"good wife." But in who's eyes?

Marriage Tip #6- Make your expectations clear. Talk to
each other about what you expect. Divide the chores and
childcare duties together so you're each on the same page.
If you're going out or away for the weekend, write out
everything you want him to do. Don't assume he knows
just because you think he should. This will ease the tension
and anxiety on both your parts.

Action Challenge.

Take an honest look at your relationship. What areas need
improvement? What do you have to do to make positive
changes? Try to see things from his point of view and help
him understand yours.